Tiger Slam II continues to sizzle

Story of the decade? Hardly.
It's one of the damndest things I've ever seen. When has an athlete ever free-fallen from so high to so low so fast? Does "never" ring a bell? It's the equivalent of catching Bing Crosby in a drag bar.

Ten more questions before we get to the Woods mail, which has made the mail in "Miracle on 34th Street" look like a slow Tuesday in August:


1. How did he get caught?

Being cheap. Everybody knows Tiger has a reputation for being cheap as single-ply toilet paper. He had an affair with Los Angeles cocktail waitress Jaimee Grubbs for more than 31 months, according to Grubbs. It was on her phone that a voice sounding a lot like Woods left the infamous "Take your name off your voicemail" message. That message became public when Grubbs gave it to US Weekly magazine, for a reported $150,000. Billionaire Philandering 101 tells you to set your mistress up in an apartment, set her up with a salary, keep her happy and quiet. By all accounts, Woods didn't do that. Another woman, Jamie Jungers, told the News of the World that Woods didn't tip and that once, when she asked for money when things got tight, he refused. Next thing you know, she's on the "Today Show" and "Dateline" spilling secrets. A few hundred thou saved here, a few hundred mil lost there.


2. Would you agree that when a porn actress such as Holly Sampson comes out and says (in a widely-viewed online video) that yes, she did have sex with you at your bachelor party but that she was not a "mistress" -- thus trying to distance herself from the whole scandal -- you've hit rock bottom?

I hope so.


3. Do you agree with sports writers who call this the No. 1 sports story of the decade?

No. The No. 1 sports story of the decade was Tiger Woods winning all four majors in a row (Tiger Slam No. 1). And if it wasn't that, it was Lance Armstrong overcoming 14 tumors to win seven straight Tour de Frances. And if it wasn't that, it was Michael Phelps winning 14 gold medals over two Olympics. Because if we're going to let a guy cheating on his wife overtake those three unthinkable achievements, then we really aren't sports fans after all.


4. Where is the world's most famous athlete anyway?

Your choices: A) In his guest house; B) On his yacht; C) With a friend; D) In the Bahamas; E) In his main house. There have been reports saying he's all those places. Where he's not: in front of a TV camera, explaining himself, asking forgiveness. And you have to wonder why.


5. In light of what he's admitted to and what we know, should Woods have been voted AP Athlete of the Decade?

Yes, yes, yes.


6. When Tiger Woods' agent, Mark Steinberg, e-mails The New York Times and asks it not to run its story about Woods receiving treatment from an HGH-using Canadian doctor, and the Times refuses, is that what Steinberg gets for doing absolutely no media any favors for a decade?

Yes, yes, yes.


7. Are there no doctors in Florida who do the fairly common platelet-rich plasma therapy (my producer on "Homecoming" just had it done on his knee), so that Woods had to fly in a controversial doctor from Canada, Anthony Galea, to work on his knee in Florida, where Galea is not licensed?

No, there are.

Nobody's been this publicly pilloried since Hester Prynne.

8. Could Galea be in trouble for that?

Not if the Florida Highway Patrol is in charge. They seem to have the curiosity of toe lint.


9. Do you believe caddy Steve Williams' statement that he knew nothing about any of Woods' transgressions, despite the fact he usually stays in the same rented house, hotel or villa as Woods, to say nothing of hanging with him eight hours a day on the course?

Yes. And I also leave cookies and milk for Santa.


10. Could anybody ever have worse possible luck with a cover than Golf Digest with its "10 Tips Obama Can Take From Tiger," which featured Woods "caddying" for Obama, and hit stands around the same time as the accident?

Yes. Jon Gosselin, on the cover of Parenting, with "10 Tips to Help You Get Through the Tough Times."

And now a taste of the Tiger mail, as promised:

We all thought that it was Jack Nicklaus' record that Tiger was chasing. Now we find out he was after Wilt Chamberlain's. -- Kevin Nelson (Naperville, Ill.)

Rim shot.

He's gonna catch unbridled Hell next year. Especially from me next time he comes to the Quail Hollow Championship in Charlotte. They're gonna have to escort me from the course but Mr. Woods will most definitely hear what I have to say. When you hear someone scream CHEATER in the middle of his backswing, please think of me. -- Paul Watts

Wow. Take things personally much?

If Tiger gets angry now when he pushes a drive to the right or lips out a putt, it [will draw] cheers. The next time Steve Williams snarls at a fan, he's going to get shouted down by the crowd and it's going to get ugly. When Tiger breezes by the crowd with that dead stare, it will be a challenge for TV not to show the people flipping him off. Any guy who hasn't cheated and kisses his kids goodnight will find himself pulling for anyone but Tiger. He wanted Privacy, it's going to get lonely. -- Steve Lovich (Ashland, Ore.)

This has got to be one of the huge questions that Tiger and his people are wondering now: What is it going to be like when he finally goes back on Tour? Are golf fans going to stay their polite, gently clapping, root-for-every-golfer-who-comes-along selves? Or are they suddenly going to become foaming Hamburg soccer fans? I'd say only one in 500 fans will yell something about the mistresses, or their imagined version of what happened that night, or their own one-liners, like, "Tiger, since you're not using it, can I have your little black book?" But when you consider that Tiger routinely gets 10,000 fans watching him on any hole, that would still be 20 people. And this is a guy who might go months without hearing a snide comment. He is also a guy who can hear a camera click two towns over. All that is going to be bamboo shoots under the fingernails for him. But this, too, shall pass. Remember what they used to yell at Kobe Bryant? Now, almost nothing.

You're a little over the top, Rick. Gee, a rich athlete on the road 3/4 of the year who is unfaithful to his wife -- stop the presses! He'll be better off divorced so that he can live as he pleases. -- Steve Veshosky (Tampa)

You're probably right, but even at 1,000-to-1 odds at saving his marriage, isn't it worth trying?

About Tiger, two lessons learned here: A) Call the local police department phone number, not 911. Calls not made public. B) Don't get married. -- Udar (N.J.)